I just wanted to post something like an update or reflection for everyone in the Tompkins family about our miscarriage that we experienced this weekend. Since then I have really been unavailable to talk; not because I do not love you all very much and appreciate your phonecalls, but because it has been hard for me to talk about something so painful, and I cannot think of it without crying. I know a blog post might seem kind of silly or impersonal for something like this, but it is my way of communicating to all of you about our loss. It is not something you can "get over" and forget by not talking about; it is something that will always be a part of you and should be remembered and shared. And also, when I reflect upon all that happened, while I do feel the pain and sadness all over again, I also feel overwhelmed with God's love and grace, acting in our lives so powerfully during this time.
As you all probably heard, we noticed some warning signs on Friday night, but remained hopeful since they were very minimal. As Mom and all you expectant mothers know, the Doctor always says "call us right away if you have any bleeding or cramping." I did call the Doctor on call right away, and was told to monitor the progress and keep in touch. By Saturday night, I started to actually feel noticable cramps, and called again. I was told I could go into the emergency room and get a sonogram to see if I was indeed having a miscarriage, and Ryan and I decided to go. On the way, my mom called and advised us against it, since at that stage any tests they did would most likely be inconclusive, not necessarily giving me a yes or no answer. Her advice was to go home, go to bed, have Ryan put his arms around me, and pray together.
That is what we did, and all through the night, as my symptoms got worse, Ryan held me as I cried. I know that it was God's special gift to us to allow the miscarriage to happen on the weekend, when I could have Ryan with me for each and every hour. Mom and Dad, Jack and Christina, David and Marisa, I'm sure you will all know what I mean when I say that the moments like this, or any experience in life when you share great pain, suffering, loss (or joy, and happiness, or peace) together, you fall in love with your spouse all over again. This was one of those experiences. If I were alone, I would have confronted what was happening very differently. But, thank God, I had Ryan with me whispering words of love and encouragement, with great spiritual depth. He kept telling me that he loved me, that God loves us, our baby loves us, and that God loves our baby more than we do. He reminded me that God's plan is perfect, and that God is allowing this to happen for our good, and to draw us closer to Him. We prayed the Rosary with a rosary that was blessed by the Pope, and then Ryan blessed me, himself, and the baby with Holy Water from Lourdes. After that, he talked to the baby and kissed the baby many times. A few hours later, I felt a very sharp change inside me; I knew then without a doubt that the baby had died. I looked at Ryan and told him what I felt, and he gently kissed me and told me that I was the best mommy in the world. He said that, when God blessed us with the baby, it was so that we could bring the baby to Heaven someday, and we had already accomplished that. This gave me such peace, and at that moment I was able to accept what God's will was for me, Ryan, and our precious baby.
Shortly after, Ryan told me he wanted to name the baby and that he already had a name for her, since he felt very strongly that the baby was a girl. Her name: Bella, which means "beautiful." By Sunday, we had decided on the middle name: Michaela. I picked it, not only because I love St. Michael the Archangel, but because it means "Gift from God," and Baby Bella is our most beautiful gift from God.
Shortly after, Ryan told me he wanted to name the baby and that he already had a name for her, since he felt very strongly that the baby was a girl. Her name: Bella, which means "beautiful." By Sunday, we had decided on the middle name: Michaela. I picked it, not only because I love St. Michael the Archangel, but because it means "Gift from God," and Baby Bella is our most beautiful gift from God.
Sunday was also the most physically painful stage of miscarriage; as Ryan and I watched the Bucs game together, to relax and take it easy after a very long, sleepless night, I started to feel very very very sharp pains. I tried to just breathe my way through them, squeezing Ryan's hand with each wave of pain. Ryan was getting so mad at the Cowboys' refs, I think he just thought I was huffing and puffing about them, until I told him I was going crazy with pain. It only got worse, to the point where I felt like I was having labor pains. We called my mom and she told Ryan that I was having contractions, comparable to labor contractions, and that I needed to relax my muscles as much as possible, and not to get tense or scared because that would increase the pain. Ryan immediately turned off the game, filled our small bathtub with hot water, and had me take a hot bath. I'm including this unpleasant episode simply to illustrate to all you Tompkins men what real love is; rather then watch the Bucs game, which I totally understand is a precious thing, he poured hot water on me while I soaked in the bathtub and gave me ice water to drink, saying very sweet things all the while. This was another moment that made me fall in love with Ryan all over again. I only survived this weekend because of him. When he left me at home to go to the Sunday evening Mass, I didn't know what I would do; I started preparing a huge dinner to keep my mind occupied. Even then God took care of me; he sent my sister Tabitha, who stopped by with medicine, a heated rice-sock, and much encouragement and wisdom. By that point, when my big sister and I hugged and cried together, my tears were not from sadness, but of joy in our baby Bella's happiness in Heaven, and God's goodness to us.
On Monday, Tabitha had an appointment in the morning at Tepeyac, so she was able to drive me there and Ryan drove there from work to meet us. Ryan was also able to work from home for the day, to take me home after the appointment and take care of me. Again, the gift of Tepeyac Family Center is another reminder that God is taking very good care of us each step of the way. I have heard, from the miscarriage experiences of my mom, sister, and sisters-in-laws, that many times doctors are not very gentle or compassionate when speaking to women who have just suffered the loss of their child. The nurses and doctors there, however, were so understanding and compassionate; each and every one told me they were so sorry for our loss, and it meant the world to me. I also discovered a small chapel inside the clinic, as I was waiting in line to get my bloodwork done. I did my best not to be weepy when I described the sequence of events to the nurse and Doctor, and Ryan's presence there really helped; he is such a source of strength for me! On Tuesday I had a sonogram, which confirmed the miscarriage and showed that I will not need any extra surgeries or procedures, thank God. When I had the opportunity to speak at length with the doctor, Dr. Fisk, I questioned him about possible causes for the miscarriage. Since Ryan and I are young and healthy, I was looking for something that maybe I possibly did wrong, or something that went wrong, resulting in the miscarriage. His answer was very encouraging; he said that we did not do anything wrong, that it was just "bad luck" that happens one in every 5 pregnancies. The baby made it to 9 weeks and was healthy, all the hormones and numbers were excellent; but for some mysterious unknown reason, did not survive, as so many other 1st Trimester babies do not. He told us not to worry but to have peace by knowing that it was one of those things that occured through no fault of our own, and that we will actually have better chances the next time we find ourselves pregnant. This is good news :)
And that brings us to today. Now Ryan is back to work at the office, and I am taking it easy and keeping my activity to a minimum to allow my body to heal. I hope I didn't disturb anyone with all these details of the miscarriage; my intention was just to share with you all what is difficult to talk about over the phone right now. Please keep me in your prayers during this difficult time. Ryan and I both agree the apartment is quieter now; we miss baby Bella so much. Even though she was so tiny, and we never got to hold her and kiss her, she was very much a tangible presence in our life. Now we really feel her absence, and it is a great source of sadness to us. We do feel peace, however, that she is enjoying herself in Heaven now, and that she is in good hands-- the best hands. I think that, with the help of grace, we have come to accept God's mysterious plan for us, and we know that He is taking care of us each step of the way. We have seen for ourselves that, through such intense sorrow and suffering, His love shines forth all the more to fill us and guide us.
Our room:
And that's it! Ryan and I are very cozy here and think that we are very blessed. 
